All along the way I’m figuring what is my best card to pull within the next 6months. I have a lot of opportunities in front of me and could go in many directions. Which will make me most fulfilled, freedom, money, balanced life, and happiness? I love my current job and people I work with, but I often doubt if all the sacrifices I have made for it will pay off compared to the other options in my back pocket. I work myself into the grave, and don’t know how to ask for a little time to breathe. Feeling like my work owns me, and I’m feeling resentful for it.

I want to be exceptional. Mediocrity is my biggest fear.

I had never been to Atlanta before. Flights were long with redeye out last Saturday and then 3am return to my bed Friday morning. Was able to stay at the Westin downtown peachtree for a priceline steal of $70/night which has an amazing rotating 360 degree view of the city. The show was amazing and it solidified that I belong in this industry. I think I define myself too much by my career, since I felt more at home at Pittcon then I do back in Newbury Park, CA. I didn’t want to return home and could have stayed at the show for several more days since there is just so much to see.

School is pulling me away from my focus on work, even though the dual masters are supposed to be complimentary. Finals and projects are due next week and at the same time I have a new employee starting… the stress will start to creep up. Need to stay calm, cool, and focused under this pressure.

Work has been awesome, ASCB2010 in Philadelphia was great. I am so sick of school and just want to live the life of Up in the Air for a few years. I’m accepting the small family business culture and embracing the great opportunity my job is… I was hesitant before since I did not want to be too emotionally committed to such a high risk situation. I’m letting myself finally trust and not let the calculating business women sabotage such a great opportunity due to some unknown variables. I am young and have plenty of time to experiment. Life is good, I am feeling positive and the grind is not as heavy as usual. Holidays are going to be wonderful… I think I am finally…. happy. Wow, yes, content and progressing toward deep fulfillment.

Finishing up Fall classes (High Performance Management and Strategic Management) and cannot wait for winter break. I get some time off work too and it will be nice to have some time with absolutely no school or work…well, there’s always addressing critical work stuff that can’t be ignored for a week or two. It will be nice to relax with the family and visiting friends (Sarah and Jeff are flying home! I miss my bffs since we’re all scattered in 3 different US timezones).

I’m becoming very sick of school and can’t wait until I’m done. Business trips keep interfering with my ability to attend with tradeshows and distributor training. I’m probably losing a whole letter grade for attendance in one class, but we’ll see if I can make up for it with stellar work. I made a commitment to do this MBA/MS program (emotional and financial) and will definitely finish at all costs, but it is a lot to handle full time work and school. I’m tired, i’m very tired, exhausted. I can’t wait to get to a positive net worth and start bringing a cash flow in to start some savings again. Money is freedom and opportunity, and I need to get to a point where I have a cushion. I’m looking for security and self sufficiency. I’m also sick of being so bound to Ventura County and can’t wait to really be free to make the world my oyster… actually I can’t wait to sleep, oh glorious sleep…that’s all that’s on my mind, gnight.

• Went to Germany in April for Analytica. Mostly all work but still amazing. I had never been to Europe since it was never practical, and what better way than to have a company trip! Hopefully going to distributor meeting during Oktoberfest this year.
• Application development going well. I managed to make some forensic contacts which has really paid off in development of TSD plus some new including narcotic tampering.
• Organized EB2010 trade show. Negotiated very discounted last minute booth rate and came up with a great “socal beach” theme. All the other booths were dull and we managed to stick out via a very unconventional approach. It was a delicate balance between professionalism within a conservative scientific community, and using squirt guns on the show floor. Great ROI!

School Progress:

I realized I could graduate Fall of 2011 with MBA/MS Biotech which is just over a year from now; however, thinking of taking a summer off for the first time in five years. I have never taken a single break from school, and cost is absolutely no different spreading it out (tuition is per unit). Trying to let myself relax and be okay with that. Sanity and being happy is more important that being a relentless overachiever.

And for fun:

Huh? What fun? Let’s see, I got supplies for 2 new batches of beer. A Belgian Trippel and English Pale Ale should be started soon. I decided to order online for the first time from a site recommended by reddit users called Northern Brewer. The yeast was not super cold when I got it though which is concerning.

Still, i float through numb and unaffected. I lie to myself and psyche myself up for things I don’t really care. A constant nagging of apathy and dispair; I fend it off with selective positive thoughts that are disingenuous . A little fallacy to avoid the depression that would grasp if I fully entertained my thoughts. Not just a day of moping over an event, but a deep hazy warm chasm… all too familiar. Stuck down in the deepest pits of despair with an inevitable conclusion of death… peace, rest, and silence. So I may be apathetic, but not so much so that I stop loving my family. My biggest lie is for them.

My Implen job is still undetermined. I’m hoping immigration works out and I can start working again with my boss’s return to the states. In the meantime I’m applying to other jobs so I don’t have all my eggs in one basket. Made some money this weekend too at my microbrew job with Angel City. The pay is really low, but I don’t have much else to fill my day and I’m broke, so no loss there.

These things repeat over and over in my head and keep me awake. Really, let it go, tomorrow will come. I’ll enjoy it much more if I can sleep just a little.

-finish chem156 (done july 31st)

-take GRE (apt. July 17th)

-get a job in biotech

-buy a car

-move home

-work butt off in new career and adjust plans as needed based on job

Now nothing is keeping me geographically in Ventura County and I would be open to picking my stuff up and going someplace completely different. Also, if a job doesn’t happen right after I finish summer school then my Amtrak across the US trip might happen.