I have finally admitted to myself that I do not like or want to work in a research lab. It was a scarey thought that I repressed and ignored while in college, because I had no plan B. I knew if I gave plan A up of research, motivation for school would plummet. So now that I have graduated (minus 1 summer class), I am letting myself entertain other ideas, without fear of my world crumbling below me. My favorite plan right now is a dual MBA/MS Biotechnology at CSUCI for fully employed. I am loving the idea of making a career still in biotech industry, but more on a business, admin, sales, or marketing side. So here is the tentative shorterm plan:
-finish chem156 (done july 31st)
-take GRE (apt. July 17th)
-get a job in biotech
-buy a car
-move home
-work butt off in new career and adjust plans as needed based on job
Now nothing is keeping me geographically in Ventura County and I would be open to picking my stuff up and going someplace completely different. Also, if a job doesn’t happen right after I finish summer school then my Amtrak across the US trip might happen.
I just cannot contain my excitement for graduation. Two finals knocked out and one more to go Friday. I’m on campus doing the late studying now with free Kerkoff Coffeee in hand. Though all I can think about is walking graduation and my grad party. I have worked so hard for this and I need this celebration to basically validate everything I have worked for in life so far. This is a moment to be proud, reflecting the past, and projecting ideas of a great future while sharing this chapter with friends and family.
From this point on I can take a number of dramatically different paths. Though I have always had freedom and flexibility, I held finishing college to non-negotiable goal that gave me direction toward something. Now emerging from my most significant goal, I am trying other ones on for size to see how they feel. I used to think this was being lost in life, but actually it is living life… it is all a matter of how you approach everything. Rather than feel anxious about what I cannot control, I feel confident and empowered by what I can control. Everything is going to be alright, it is a great feeling. “You’re gunna be great kid.”
I thought I had the flu since Saturday and I was patiently waiting for it to pass. As my temperature stayed stubbornly high at day 6, I got checked out again to find I had pneumonia. The last week has been boring, miserable, introspective, and self-pitying. My temperature spent most of its time above 104 and peaking at 104.9. I coughed up blood today. The headaches and boredom are terrible. I had to miss this entire week of school and finals are all next week for my classes. These antibiotics need to start working soon because I need to study! So I just woke up from a nap, took 1000mg tylenol, took cheratussin AC (with codeine), and am eating chicken noodle soup. I really hope I have the capacity to get some studying in tonight.
What a relief, I felt like I had forgotten how to cry. I began to doubt if I was still capable of feeling an emotion so deeply that I let it surface with flowing tears. Watery vision, wetness down the face, and an old welcomed feeling. The first time I cried this year. I feel alive, real, and human again.
QQ
It has been hard trying to sort out what paths to take, especially when you don’t know what you will value 10, 20, 30 years from now. It used to be a big source of anxiety, not knowing what to do after finished with college. Western culture influenced me to set these ambitious goals with education, though a namebrand school, science major, and good grades aren’t going to magically translate into success. I would stress about getting research experience, what grad schools, what I wanted to study… when ultimately, I sometimes feel like I was pushing too hard in a direction that doesn’t fulfil me. I love science, biology, chemistry etc… learning these disciplines has scratched an itch to investigate existentialism though deconstruction of the natural earth around us for answers. It allows me to see significance in the world from our insignificance, and I like the perspective. Anxiety is counterproductive and silly, I have really learned a lot of coping skills in the last year.
Working in a research lab though… I could do it and I could be great at it. Problem is that I don’t find the day to day work stimulating or rewarding. This is hard for me to admit, since this means that I have to find something else that challenges me, fulfills me, and pays the bills. Scientific supply sales might just be the fit for me. I like getting excited about the idea of working my butt off, getting excited about products, and connecting with people that can use these products.
I had a phone interview with Fermentas. Funny how this contact was made, as I mistook the company for Fermentis at a UCLA vendor fair. Since I do homebrewing, I was going to see if they did individual sales of yeast packets that was cheaper than my local home brew store. I wasn’t as prepared for this interview as well as I would have liked, though if I make a second round I’ll be sure to clearly show how interested I am in the position with proper preparation. I didn’t know how serious I was until after the interview.
I really want to work as a pharma rep for Amgen, my hometown’s biotech company. Last night I applied to 20 positions around Southern California and I am crossing my fingers they call. Denosumab is their promising new osteoporosis drug that is administered by injection every 6 months. Bisphosphates are the current standard for treatment, though taking a daily/weekly pill is inconvenient as well as the bioavailability is low.
Denosumab is a human monoclonal antibody for RANKL which binds to RANK which inhibits the formation of osteoclasts. Current estrogen replacement therapy for osteoporosis stimulates formation of osteoprotegerin, though Denosumab is a monoclonal that serves the same function as osteoprotegerin, inhibiting RANKL/RANK formation. Denosumab is in Phase III clinical trials as an injection every 6 months. I would be estatic to be a part of the launch of Amgen’s new blockbuster.
I was in a safe familiar environment overlooking the Pacific Ocean. This was somewhere in Southern California, though not a place that exists in real life. And for some odd reason I was with my biological father, just me and him. Looking out onto the ocean horizon, we notice hundreds of objects emerging from the water surface and being projected vertically into the air. As the objects were projected upwards, the jetlike condensation trail followed behind.
As the objects reached higher in the sky, their identity was clear. A video game like square icon labeled each object with a missile cartoon. I was not afraid of these being targeted at me, so my thoughts were focused on unraveling some mysteries (1) U.S. secret underwater missile silo (2) who was our target? (3) automatic assumption that our target was selfishly selected for self interest rather than the “humanitarian” act that we try to convince the world that it is.
Then rather than these missiles being deployed for detonation, the missiles ejected parachutes and slowly drifted toward the coast. It became clear that the place my father and I were standing was going to be the landing spot. Fear hit as I became paranoid of an accidental detonation upon landing. Even if we survive through this massive landing of hundreds of parachute missiles, I was certain that the US government would take whatever measures to capture a citizen witness to such a military operation. After all, the conscience of the public only hinders military “progress.”
It was too late to run from the scene, and I would strategize to survive the massive amounts of landings of these massive exploding chunks of metal. Then the dream takes a turn toward crazy as some missiles turned to various fruits (grapes, bananas, apples) while others remained the dangerous metal chunks. Another progression into video game similarities as I dodged the harmful missles and collected the fruit.
Then a missile must have exploded because I was transported to 1980 with my biological father. It was like time still progressed, but backwards, because there was 30 years worth of dust and neglect to the surrounding area. I do not know how I figured it was exactly 1980. We saw someone my father recognized as they were in 1980, though we were scared to do anything because we both remained our current 2009 age. I remember feeling as though I violated some rule of nature. How could I exist in 1980 when I would not be born until 1987? This must have been a result of these strange U.S. ocean ejecting fruit missiles. Then in horror I realized I would soon cease to exist since I was not born yet… and my consciousness in the dream ended.
Last quarter I was a little too excited to graduate that I decided to petition taking chem 156 concurrently with chem 110A. I figured that it was my last quarter and I could just power through to the end. But, my last elective ended up being toxicology, which is anything but a class to float on as I focus on other courses. Coupled with pre-nostalgia hitting, I realized that I should reopen the consideration of taking chem156 this summer. Though it would be great to walk graduation competely finished with classes, I don’t want to spend my last quarter living in the library. My grades would suffer holding onto this class load too, so I think I’m staying until July.
Still job searching and I had my first mock interview at the career center yesterday. Still planning on Amtrak Adventure USA, a trip you come back Virgin with Caitlin.
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